I am the leader of the server revolution! Taking the power away from the customers and putting it back in the hands of the bartenders and servers. Yelp off!!!

What Should I Have?

menuWhen did going to a restaurant become so complicated?  You make a reservation, you show up, you get sat at a table, and then have a good time.  Unfortunately that is no longer the case.  Customers have become as complicated and as crazy as the two nominees for President.  Sometimes I wonder if some people have never been out to a restaurant.

Most recently, customers have done the following:



Seating themselves, and then wondering why they don’t have menus.

This isn’t even acceptable at Denny’s.  Even if you just want to sit at the counter at Denny’s, there is still a host at the front who will direct you in the right direction, AND, hand you a menu after you sit down.  Most places don’t allow a Royal Rumble with the winner being awarded any table of their choosing.  Although as much as I would like to see some of my customers fight until the death, seating yourself is frowned upon.  Unless there is a sign that says, “Seat Yourself.”  And if you are eating at a place that has one of those signs, you’ve made some poor choices in life.

Randomly switching tables, and then wonder why their food hasn’t arrived yet.

Similar to seating yourself, just don’t do it.  How do you know that the other table that you want to move to isn’t already reserved?  Answer:  You don’t.  So stay seated and ask your server if you can switch tables.  Let us do our jobs!  Also, how in the hell is the food runner supposed to run food to Table 23 when (now) there isn’t anybody at Table 23?  Oh right… it’s because you switched tables without asking anybody and expect us all to keep track of you.  (I’m talking about you French couple from two nights ago.)  NEWS FLASH:  There are no GOOD tables in a restaurant.  They are all the same.  Four legs, a hard surface, and some chairs.  So sit down, have a good time, and no, I don’t speak French.  How fricking hard is that?!?

Asking your server, “What should I have to eat?”

What do you like?  Meat?  Fish?  Sea Lion?  Do you like to eat a lot?  Or do you pretend you hardly eat at all, but miraculously clean your plate?  All questions to consider before asking your server, who doesn’t know you, what you should have to eat.  Also, do you have any allergy restrictions?  Many people do, but you would be surprised as to how many of those people don’t disclose that information to me.  I can steer you in the right direction, but if you don’t tell me that you have a dairy allergy, or an aversion to the color Orange, or that you don’t eat pork, then buyer beware!  Because I failed the mind reading class that I took, so it’s better if you tell me what restrictions you have.

And with that being said, don’t get mad and yell at me after you figured out that Pancetta is Pork and you ate it.  True story.  Customer ordered the dish, ate it, and then looked at the menu and asked, “What’s Pancetta?”  I stick with what Chris Rock said about Pork, “I refuse to believe that on judgement day, my diet is going to come into question.”  But if you’re going to yell at me, you should probably stop and start praying right away because I hear that anybody who eats pork automatically goes to the end of the line to get into heaven.  But when you’re ready for dessert, try the Bacon Ice Cream.

Sinners rule!

Until next time… Server’s don’t pay their rent with compliments.
“Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready.”








One Response to What Should I Have?

  1. Always solid. While I agree, most tables are the same, I don’t like sitting near the bathrooms. Or the kitchen. Or the lobby. Ok, I’ll just stay home. I’m sorry. Can I get you anything?

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