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Top 10 List Things Customers Say Every Server Hates

10This top 10 list barely tips the iceberg, but we servers all know that customers love to say the most random things.  Unfortunately, servers and bartenders have heard it all. And just because I’m laughing at your comments, it doesn’t mean you’re funny. I’m just practicing my “acting” laugh.

So here’s a Top 10 List we hear too often.

10. I’ll have the Halibut for the hell-of-it.

What a pioneer you are. Trying the Halibut like a big boy/ girl. Hopefully you’ll be able to stomach it. But if you can’t, to hell with it!

9. It smells like food in here.

I don’t know what the hell to say to this. We are cooking food, and it’s an open kitchen. Smells travel. I should know, I’ve been crop dusting your table for the past half hour

8. Why aren’t you more busy?

I don’t know, why are you dining alone? Why don’t you have friends? I’m not in charge of marketing. I’m your server.

7. I want a quiet table.

Even if you sucked at science, it’s time for everybody to learn that sound travels. There is no quiet table. Where are we, the library? “Right this way… I have a great table for you between art history and the periodicals.

6. Do you sell cigarettes?

No.  I don’t smoke.  And you can only smoke in the designated areas.  And no, you can’t smoke inside at the bar.  Suddenly it’s 1988.

5. What should I have?

A brain.  Try the food, it’s divine.

4. What can you make with Tequila?

Poor choices in life.  How did you make it out of your house without combusting?

3. I’m ready to order!

Then I stand at the table and wait… and wait… and wait… because YOU WEREN’T READY TO ORDER!  If you’re still deciding, that’s okay, but I don’t want to be near you anymore then I have to be.

2. I’m trying to decide between the Salmon and the Filet.

One’s beef and the other swims.  Have at it.

1. Are you my server?

This is like that Dr. Seuss book, “Are You My Mother?”  Pay attention, puh-lease!

Until next time… Server’s don’t pay their rent with compliments.
“Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready.”

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