I am the leader of the server revolution! Taking the power away from the customers and putting it back in the hands of the bartenders and servers. Yelp off!!!
The following post is my interpretation of what a review of Yelp would look like by one of their “elite” Yelpers.
A friend of mine told me about Yelp a while back so I decided that I would give it a try since I have nothing better to do with my life. You call this a helpful website? First of all, the color scheme is all about the red. Some of it is white, but it’s mostly red. Way to try hard at picking colors, Yelp! I don’t know about you guys, but red doesn’t say “helpful,” it says “I’m mad as hell.”
Seriously? I’m missing “The Real Housewives of Portland” to do this right now.
God! I need a cocktail.
You would think that Yelp would be more welcoming to having people come to their website to use it. And I know what the hell I am talking about, I use websites all the time. All I do is go to the browser thingy and type “www” and then whatever I’m looking for and (BAM!)… internet magic.
My first impression of Yelp was just okay. I wasn’t excited, but it wasn’t like I was going to be doing anything else, so I gave it a chance. I enjoy being able to say bad things about people behind their backs, so this is a perfect place to do that. But then I had to look around the site to find the “write a review” link. I’m out of breath just thinking about how hard that was.
Now I was asked to create a profile. REALLY YELP? My profiles are all over the internet. I already have so many social network friends, that I can count on any of them to give me a ride to the airport, OR help me move. That’s how important I am in my world…
So I created the profile.
After I lost 10 minutes of my life (I had to take several selfies to use for my profile pic) I got down to business. And Yelp should kiss my feet for giving them any business in the first place.
When I was writing my review, it did something weird on the website and I had to wait a whole 5 seconds for it to not do the weird thing so I could finish writing my dissertation. Everybody loves what I have to say. Hence, my elite social media status, so all of my social media friends just die whevever I write a review becuz I’m so funny! I’m even LOL’ing right now as I write this shizz.
I am giving Yelp 2 stars because most of it sucks except for the fact that my review is now on it. (That’s worth 5 stars alone! HELLO?) Now that Ithink about it, I am going to move it up to 3.5 stars. So half of it sucks, and the half that my review is on is great. So that means that my review is “funny,” “useful,” and “cool.”
And along with the bad color scheme, they have a tasteless exclamation point after the Yelp logo that has a Daisy for the dot on the bottom of the mark. First of all, I’m allergic to flowers. So just seeing a Daisy makes my eyes water. NOT COOL YELP. By the way, you owe me an Allegra.
I won’t be “Yelping” again anytime soon. BTW… you should totally follow me on instagram. I’m @itsallaboutme.
Until next time… Server’s don’t pay their rent with compliments.
“Bitter. Party of 1? Your table is ready.”