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I am the leader of the server revolution! Taking the power away from the customers and putting it back in the hands of the bartenders and servers. Yelp off!!!

I Pee Therefore I AM

drunky-copyApparently if you have to go to the bathroom when you are at a bar, you don’t have to ACTUALLY make it to the bathroom to go pee.  The new toilet is the bar floor.  Anywhere on the floor will do.  That’s right, a customer has resorted to canine behavior and urinated on the floor of the lounge, and marked her territory like an obnoxious Terrier.  And left a trail like a snail.  But I am getting ahead of myself.

It started out like any other slow night, with me wishing that my manager would stop managing, and wondering why I am living in purgatory working in the service industry.  Suddenly, I hear yelling coming from the bar area.  I wander over, and see a woman sitting with a man at the bar, and she is screaming at another woman who is sitting on the opposite side of the bar.

“Look at your boobs!” she yelled.  “They’re huge!  I need a boob job.”  And she hopped off her stool and went over to talk to the woman wearing pink with the big jugs.

Now, the woman in pink wanted nothing to do with the inebriated woman.  But she was being polite with “Drunky.”  Letting her talk about her boobs, and letting “Drunky” push her boobs up against hers.  It was a boob-wich.

Finally, “Drunky” left to go back to where she was sitting before she was distracted by the Hindenburg Blimps.

I was elated.  My mood quickly shifted from wanting to turn in my two-week notice, to “THIS IS THE BEST F@*KING SHIFT EVER!!!”

I went back to tell Gerry, our food runner, about all of the boob-on-boob violence that had occurred.  He was pleased.  I checked on my one table, and quickly went back to the bar.

“Drunky” was still there.

“I’m hungry!” she exclaimed.  Then she stood up, walked over to where the bartenders keep the lemons and the limes, reached over, grabbed a whole lemon, took a bite out of it, and put it back.  Do you need to go back and read that last sentence?  SHE TOOK A BITE OUT OF A F@*KING LEMON!!!

She sat back down.  I grabbed a menu and offered it to her.  The man said that they had already ordered a pizza and were waiting on it.  I told them that I would go check and see if it was ready.

I asked Gerry about the pizza and he said it wasn’t ready yet.  As I was walking back to the bar, one of the cocktail servers ran up to me and asked me to call security because “Drunky” had fallen off of her stool, and was lying on the ground.  I called security.  I went back to the bar to see the woman lying in the fetal position, yelling for someone to help her.  And the man that she was sitting with, wasn’t doing anything about it.

“I’m hungry!” she kept saying.  “And help me!” she would add.

Finally, security came, and they, and the bar manager, were trying to calm the woman down.


“I have to go to the bathroom!” she stated.  “I’m going to go pee.”  And she begun to unbutton her jeans.

The head of security told her, “Ma’am, don’t do that.  Please stop.”  But he kind of said it like Gene Wilder in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” when he was telling the kids not to do something, but really wanted them to do it.

That back-and-forth dialogue happened a few more times, and then the woman got on all fours, with her pants down, and showed everybody her business.  Her monkey business.  Ass and vag exposed, as if they had been trapped with baby Jessica in the well.  The cocktail server grabbed a tablecloth and quickly covered the woman as she began to pee on the floor of the lounge.  After she had covered “Drunky,” the cocktail server said to me, “it’s too early in my shift to see someone’s vagina.”  Is it ever too early though?

Security got a wheelchair to take the woman outside.  But before they took her, they asked her if she was driving.

“Are you kidding me?” Drunky said.  “I’m drunk, I can’t drive!”  And she got up and ran away.

And remember the guy that she was sitting with?  He said that he didn’t even know her.  She followed him inside after he was done smoking.

Until next time… Server’s don’t pay their rent with compliments.

“Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready.”






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